They call it Grey

You gave me a gift, something I wanted from a long time, and had casually mentioned within one week of knowing me. We had three dates in a week, after our first date, must say we did hit of really well. Amazed by the connection, we both were in awe of the similarities we silently counted.

My every morning started with your good morning message and the day ended by your goodnight kiss emoji. You took me by surprise when you sent me your first selfie just after the third day of us dating. I mean, this time when I had pre decided to take it slow, you were just sweeping me off the floor. I still wanted to be two steps behind, was still hesitant to open up completely, thanks to the past heart breaks, I had no energy for another one.

New years you flew all the miles away to celebrate with your family and best friends, but again you took me by surprise when instead, you spent the entire night texting me and telling me how much you have been missing me. An international call on just a message on how much I was missing home to check on me if I was OK. This was different and this felt special. I have been in relationships , long and short, but this felt different.

Finally I gathered the courage to go with the flow and match the steps. Not being two steps behind anymore I also started opening up to you, not as much as you did though.

You say that you do not open up emotionally as I do and I am more invested in this relation. All I wanted you to be at least honest to your own feelings. I have more selfies of you in my phone than you would be having mine.  More pictures of your friends and family than I would have shared mine. I can spot your brother, I know who your two best friends are and how long you three have
been friends. I know what your father does and brother enjoys. And since you always claimed you never open up as much as I do, let me tell you dear friend, I know your last name too. And I bet if I ask same things about myself, you would have no clue. Now, tell me who was more confined in the other, me or you?

One day you came home drunk, I know that was the first time, we had switched places:).. usually it would always be me. I counted the number of times you said how much you missed me, when, it had been only two days since we had met last. I play that night again and again in my mind coz that was the night you opened up completely about how you felt.

Yes you had never mushed and never said those so called magic words, and irony is, this time I too had decided to focus on actions and not on words. Your every action shouted out loud that this was not just casual dating. This was something beyond.

I knew you would leave in another 6 months or so, but this was so magical that for once I did not want to think beyond.

Something went wrong, I was not emotionally very strong, I finally asked what 'us' meant to you. Your answer shattered me, but I wanted to live the truth. Not go by words this time, but rely on actions too. I gathered myself again, had to make a choice. I decided on having you for as much as I can than not having you at all. Worst case, did not want to lose a friend I found in you, even if that meant to get my heart broken this time too. I agreed to all your terms, agreed to not look for commitment and just go with the flow. I wanted to live this to the fullest, this with you,
until I'll have to bid goodbye.

I was conscious this time and practical too, your actions lead me to believe, that maybe this time even if it is not forever, it is true.

I was drunk that night, and I ended up at your door. I still feel sorry, for how that night go. We do make mistake, and I owned up to mine, I said I am sorry, just this friendship please don't deny.

For all we had and all we lived, the only thing I never wanted to lose was a friend in you. I wanted to cherish all the memories and then kiss you goodbye with a smile and a teary eye, when I really had to. You took away that from me too. You ghosted me, snapped out of my life, like I was never there and never mattered. You kept me hanging, confused... was I living a lie or is this a lie and you'll be back soon.

I don't miss you, I don't hate you and I don't defy. All I miss is that smile of my friend, who would tickle me till my stomach hurts and mocked me when I had nothing mischievous to return. I don't miss the guy whom I woke up with but I do miss a friend I enjoyed my evening walks with. I don't miss our first kiss, but I do miss the movies we never missed, I don't miss you holding me in your arms and dancing, but I do miss you sending me your cute selfies. I miss the pictures of food you cooked, and those lonely roads you walked after work. I miss the part where you told me how the day was so hard. And the way you cursed your boss and how you wish to make a new start.

They say actions speak louder than words, well, all your actions told me how special I was. And then your words snatched away every inch of that special feeling by telling me how I was just another girl.
I cried myself to sleep and woke up each day with a hope, a hope of a text from you saying, bud it's all ok, let's start afresh and let's renew. I really don't know whom to blame, that one drunk night where I expressed my true feelings or the game you were playing all this while. I don't know what to call this, a break up, coz there are no break ups in 'casual dating' right, or just losing a friend so close that its hard to realize.

I don't know what casual dating means, maybe, just not saying the words; because if this was casual, it was nothing different from the real. I stand here again in what they call grey, though I started all black and white and you too made me feel the one you would have for lifetime. Here I am on the crossroads once again, wanting to hate you as much for leading me to believe and wanting you at the same time to be back as the friends we used to be.

 I will never learn my lessons, I can never walk away, I love with all my heart, believe everything that unfolds and always lose this game.